The title is a little ironic and humorous. I say that as I sit here, in my garden, soaking up nature’s very own anti - d, staring blankly at the screen.How do you begin to explain what depression is ?
How can you speak up when you just ... don’t know how.
How can you tell a loved one that you have gotten to a point in your life where you couldn’t care if you lived or died. You just wanted out. Just wanted to the pain and suffering to end.
You wanted an escape.
That’s what happened.
Everything that had happened in my life, from birth to a poor excuse of my 28 year old adult self came crashing down. Bit like one those cartoons when you see a piano being dropped on someone’s head. But without the whimsical cartoon drawings. A little more horror, a little more traumatic. With just a tad more gore and perhaps a little brain. But I ain’t that lucky.
The feeling though. If it actually is feeling. Continuous numbness. Exhaustion. Staring blankly whilst your family keep saying, smile Jess. Then just crying. Hours spent crying on your bedroom floor. Then getting up and sorting out your washing and meal prepping your salad because life ...
The greatest skill, is the mask. Not the fun kind. Not the Jim Carey kind. Because it ain’t no P A R T Y ? Because you gotta. It’s because you don’t want anyone to know, that really are just wondering would happen if I just walked out in front of that bus ?
And even now, when you do try and talk about it you mask it with some sarcasm and humour because, yeah. That was how I was feeling and I still can’t handle it. Am I embarrassed ? Ashamed ? Guilty ? Scared ? Scared that I, that life, that humans had worn me down to nothing.
I wanted a Thanos moment (oooh, too soon ?)
How do you handle it ? I am still working that out. First step. Accountability, always. You can’t help what life deals you. But take ownership of your happiness and choose to fight. But also choose to rest, without guilt. Without pressure. I’d say, after months, I’m on the road to recovery. After a “resting” ... But I had to own up to myself. I had to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask for help. Again. Because kids, this isn’t my first rodeo and sure as shit won’t be my last.
So speak up, even if it is to yourself because you matter. Even if you don’t feel like you do.
#mentalhealthawarenessweek
